Dansar i april

and when a blade of grass rolls between my fingers I am permamently reminded of you.

I had so much to lose. I could have stumbled forward into the arms of a stranger, or turned away crying. I could have seen your fingers pick the needle out of a grenade rather than roll tiny pieces of grass. 

I told you that I would write about something happy. About the way the reflections in the water make it seem like time stands still. Or how you playing Under the Bridge on the guitar makes me feel immortalized in a teenage audience movie. Better yet, how from the corner of my eyes, I can see you pick up blades of grass while your eyes are closed and your chest elevates so rhythmically. I am surprised by how you manage to do anything more than just live when you are so calm. 

I told you that I would write about laughter.

But here I am writing yet another bittersweet story about how laughter fades, and grass yellows and in countries I do not even know the names of, bombs drop to sacrifice people as innocent as you and me. Maybe, probably, more. 

I had so much to lose. But I stumbled forward into the arms of my enemy. The arms of my eternal fiend. The man who has everything I have and the one thing I want. But I came with a surrender. I told you that I could be as good as you are. I told myself I deserve it as I handed you those sharp metal objects.

would I regret it? I can always get more of them.

I thought this before I handed them over. I knew in so many ways that I could cheat. But what would I win from that. I had so much to lose knowing that all I had left to do was win.

Personal P.S. 

I love contradictions. You don't have to